Holt: welcome to the first Democratic debate. We decided to forgo the original format and just have all 20 of you on the stage at the same time. However, some of you will be able to wander off the stage for prolonged periods because we really don’t know why you’re here.

Guthrie: I am going to put this question to everyone so please answer it with as much nuance and care as you can in 60 seconds or less. What would make your administration different than the current administration and those of the 19 other people on the stage here tonight? Please include the specific plans you will and will not support.

Sanders:  I want a revolution.

Warren: I have a plan.

Biden: I have experience. Obama.

Gabbard: I have military experience.

Booker: I live in a poor neighborhood.

DeBlasio: I have a black son and a dead father.

Diaz-Balart: Hola, as the only Latino on the stage, I will now ask the immigration questions.

O’Rourke: Soy un hombre blanco, pero ahora hablaré español y mostraré cuán inclusivo e inspirador soy.

Castro: Repeal Section 1325. Beto, do your Spanish homework.

Booker: I speak Spanish in my neighborhood.

Warren: I grew up in Oklahoma. I understand America.

Harris:  I met a Spanish speaking woman in Oklahoma who worries about her children and now you will worry about them too.

Todd: We are going to need to go to break because as a television network, we are having trouble with basic AV issues.

Buttigieg: Is the manual in Norwegian? I can help.

Maddow:  Welcome back to this train-wreck. We’re now going to turn to Lester Holt who is randomly standing in the audience to ask a question from a viewer who isn’t in this audience.

Holt: Candidates, Jim in Spokane, WA wants to know what you plan to do about situations around the globe that literally no one is talking about right now because all the oxygen on the planet is being sucked up by the Trump administration.

Delaney: That’s a great question that only I, as a moderate, can answer. Bipartisanship.

Ryan: I’m also white. I mean moderate.

Diaz- Balart:  Mr. Yang, could you explain to people why you are here?

Yang: When I’m president, everyone gets $1000 a month and no one has to wear a tie.

Williamson: Can I interject? All we need is love. And JFK.

Bennet: I’m from Colorado. My mother survived the  Holocaust.

Hickenlooper: I’m from Colorado. Socialism is bad.

Buttigieg: I’m smart and I have a lot of debt.

Swallwel: I also have student debt.

Sanders: Capitalists and corporations are bad

Biden: Not so fast.  Obama.

Gillibrand: Corruption is bad. I’m good.

Buttigieg : Republicans are hypocrites.

Klobacher: Trump’s tweeting in his bathrobe.

Guthrie: Let’s turn now to the issue of abortion. How will you protect women’s rights?

Castro: We need to start talking about reproductive justice.

Klobacher: Hey, there are LADIES here.

Harris: Excuse me, there are BLACK ladies here.

Biden: I have done so much for black women and black people. Obama.

Harris: With all due respect, there was a little girl who thought that you were out of touch and that little girl was me.

Williamson: Please keep it down, I’m trying to call New Zealand.

Biden: I went to New Zealand with Obama

Maddow: I want to try and get us all to focus on a question. Governor Inslee, how do you plan to address the challenges of Climate change?

Inslee: The planet is dying and we have to start tal…

Todd: Sorry, we have to move on. In one word or less, why do Democrats want the government to take guns away from Americans?

Swalwell: I’m a parent. We live in fear. Pass the torch. And the diapers.

Warren: I have a pl…

Todd: cuts off Warren and speaks for 5 minutes

Gillibrand: talks over Chuck Todd talking over Warren

Harris : Stop throwing food.

Candidates begin literally throwing food

Sanders: (pointing) Clean that food up off my yard, you dirty capitalists.

Biden: I’m still the guy, right?